Decision-Making Fail // Cry for Help (Or Maybe Just Crying)

This week delivered a wonderfully surprising sinus infection (yay spring! yay compromised immune system!) that made me feel as if my brain was trying to escape my head through my eye (we can't really blame my brain for wanting to leave, can we?) -- which did all sorts of inconvenient things to my productivity ... so I'm behind in almost everything: grading, festival prep, applications for conferences and grants, household/children maintenance, etc.

I do try to be conservative when it comes to taking antibiotics but after 24-hours of a headache that made it difficult to see or think, I decided to go to the doctor and ask for something. Because who has time for this? And it turns out that -- sometimes -- a good ol' blast of antibiotics to your system is just what it needs. Sometimes. 

I can think again! And now that I can, and I'm facing all of this. . .  stuff . . . that I'm supposed to finish by the end of the day/month/semester, I'm also thinking about the long term, and whether or not it's worth repeating this process ad nauseam.

For one, there's the SCCC Creative Writing Festival. I've been co-chairing this for nine years now, but I've been working on it since its inception, 11 years ago. We've done some wonderful stuff. I've brought -- and my co-chair, M.K., brought -- really talented and generous writers to our school to speak with students and demonstrate what it means to be a working artist. We've held an annual writing contest that publishes undergrads and honors their work. We've dodged budget cuts and worked around budget cuts and fund-raised and negotiated catering costs and engaged in all manner of ridiculous, humbling acts to get this festival off the ground each year. (All right, maybe not ALL manner of ridiculous, humbling acts -- get yer heads outta the gutter, kids . . .)

Anyway. It's taken a lot. It continues to take a lot each year. The problem is that our cast of people who actually run this thing has diminished drastically over the years. Last year M.K. resigned as co-chair; our colleague C.C. took on the role of co-chair (not to be confused with my former office mate & beloved C.C., who is currently tearing it up in Europe). And for the past few meetings, C.C. and I have been the only persons to show up to meetings. This isn't the most terrible thing in the world -- I'll be the first one to say that meetings generally suck and that fewer meetings and smaller meetings are usually beneficial -- but two people do not a college-wide committee make. And organizing an annual week-long event culminating in a conference for 70+ people is just . . . a bit much.

I honestly don't know what to do at this point. C.C. is going on sabbatical in the spring of next year, which means I would be helming the entire thing myself. I've barely been able to keep up with my end of the deal -- my own responsibilities -- this semester. How can I possibly run this thing on my own with so little help? 

And to be clear, it's not because my colleagues are lazy or wholly unsupportive (is that a word?) -- it's just that everyone has a lot going on -- some of those colleagues have a lot going on because they're doing other types of service for the college, and others still are focusing on their own research/writing projects, which I -- of all people -- will not fault them for, as envious as I may be. And time is such a limited resource...

So. I do think that the festival is wonderful and worthwhile. At this point, however, I just don't know if I'm being stubborn in my thinking that it's worthwhile (what if I'm one of, like, three people who truly feel that way?) and stubborn thinking that it's even possible to run on my own . . .  or, perhaps I'm just being a poor sport and considering shuttering the festival simply because I wasn't awarded a sabbatical. 

My husband, A., has suffered my craziness over all years of my co-running the festival AND these past few months, in particular, when I've been mired in outrage and distress over the sabbatical nonsense. He thinks that my thoughts about quitting the festival are more about the latter and that ultimately I'll be unhappy doing anything that feels like a retributive measure. And he's right -- it will make me unhappy. I don't like being vindictive. But. But. Everything feels so overwhelming right now.

I'm so fucking confused. Any and all thoughts from you, dear readers, would be helpful. Comment below, PM/DM me, email, etc.

And if you don't feel like actually giving me advice, thank you, at least, for reading and tolerating my venting.